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Satolgo 12: “The Sardine Gambit”

Master Blaster Jun 24, 2020
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Commemorative sardine pack celebrates Japan’s deadliest assassin. We celebrate the second deadliest.

I had been holed up in a seedy motel room for weeks now. After having blown the lid off the shocking connection between Japan’s Prime Minister and the legendary yokai Amabie, I had made some powerful enemies in the highest levels of government, all of whom wanted me dead.

Suddenly, a shadow emerged from a corner of the room and revealed itself to be none other than Satolgo 12. Meeting the legendary assassin in the flesh could only mean one thing; his face would be the last that I would ever see…

“What took you so long?” I wearily asked him. I hadn’t eaten much while in hiding, and lacked the energy to panic properly.

Although his face was carved in stone, I sensed that my cavalier attitude had agitated him somewhat. He removed his sunglasses and raised his box of “tools.”

“I have something to give you,” said Satolgo 12, as he set down the case and began to open it, “My client paid me a lot of money and insisted that you be filled with iron. They also instructed that I not leave until the job is done.”

He slowly pulled out some red objects and began to arrange them. In the meantime, I glanced over at his case. The bottom had a picture of Satolgo 12’s biggest rival, Golgo 13. It was then that I remembered Golgo 13 was entering the 52nd year of his career which was chronicled in one of the longest-running and biggest-selling manga series ever.

Having read a few of those issues myself, I suspected there might be a false-bottom to the Satolgo 12’s case. Thinking there might have been a secret weapon underneath that I could use to escape my fate, I nervously reached for it while Satolgo 12 was preoccupied.

“Oi!” grunted Satolgo 12 with a voice that was subtle yet thick with restrained violence. Frightened, I pulled back my hand and sat at attention as the killer approached me with one of his items.

It was a special edition can of King Oscar sardines featuring a picture of Golgo 13. “Why not?” I thought, “Golgo 13 was a mature comic, and worthy of a mature taste.”

However, these cases were originally released in 2018, during Golgo 13’s 50th anniversary. It was surprising to see one nearly two years later, but perhaps a few boxes can still be acquired if one knew the right people.

Satolgo 12 slowly opened a can without saying a word.

▼ “…”

He then offered it to me, as if I was supposed to eat these delicious wood-smoked Norwegian fish packed in soy bean oil right then and there, with my very life hanging by a thread.

▼ “…”

Not wanting to push my luck any further, I accepted the sardines.

The fish also sat there in silence, and showed no fear when I picked one up to eat it.

▼ “…”

Then, Satolgo 12 opened up another can and began to quietly eat some King Oscar sardines too. For just a moment the pure taste-satisfaction of the oily fish triggered a brief expression of pleasure that flashed over the cold-blooded killer’s face.

▼ “…”

When the meal was over, I felt remarkably better. I could feel the vitamin B12 and omega-3 fatty acids coursing through my veins. Satolgo 12 too looked oddly pleased with his meal and stared at me silently.

▼ “…”

After about a minute of this, I started to get weirded out and asked, “So, aren’t you going to kill me?”

“No,” he replied, “Your mother sent me. She was worried that you weren’t getting enough iron and hired me to make sure you were eating well.” He added, “She also says to forget about that stupid Amabie nonsense and that it was probably time to get a real job.”

He then continued to sit and stare at me.

▼ “…”

What was once a terrifying brush with death became increasingly awkward, so for the sake of conversation I asked him, “Does your box have a false bottom? You know, with a bomb or documents inside or something.”

“That’s confidential,” he answered, “If I told you I’d have to kill you. Don’t worry though, I have something way cooler to show you. See this tie? It’s a Lupin III 50th anniversary replica tie. Pretty rad huh?”

▼ “…”

I said it was “alright” and with that Satolgo 12 vanished as mysteriously as he arrived.

Let this be a lesson to you all to get the daily recommended intake of Phosphorus and vitamin D, or else Satolgo 12 might pay you a deadly boring visit too…

Source: PR Times
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