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Sausage Gloves combine high tech, high fashion, high cuisine, even high environmental awareness

Master Blaster Dec 15, 2013
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For those living in colder climates using a smartphone creates a major dilemma. We want to check our messages but wearing gloves often renders our touch screens useless. Sure, there are specialized smartphone compatible gloves, but going that way severely limits your choices of style and color.

Driven to the edge with this problem, Yoshiaki Owari of the Daily Portal Z came up with a groundbreaking way to keep your hands warm, stylish, and functional. In addition, you’re left with a tasty dish at the end of the day when you use Sausage Gloves!

■ Inception

Like many great inventions, Sausage Gloves were born out of necessity. Originally Yoshiaki thought of developing a high-tech fiber or coating that would transform any gloves into smartphone-compatible gloves. However, that would be really, really hard.

Instead he drew on the age-old wisdom of the internet which taught us how smartphones were designed with sausage compatibility.

The answer suddenly became clear as crystal. Simply attach sausages to the fingertips of your favorite glove. This would allow you to use any handwear you like but retain the use of your mobile devices. It’s tasty too.

■ Troubleshooting

A sausage tip (in this case fish meat sausage) was hollowed out enough so that a gloved finger may enter. Preliminary fittings were successful.

Also, the sausage – even after modification – retained its smartphone compatibility. It’s amazing the foresight that Steve Jobs must have had to include this compatibility when initially designing the iPhone.

However, there were some critical design flaws. The sausage tip felt unbalanced on the hand. It was spicy and delicious, but it felt awkward. Also the pale pinkish color on a single finger spoiled the joie de vivre that the naked gloves alone once exuded.

■ Timeless Engineering

The first thought was to simply create gloves made of sausages, but that couldn’t work because sausages aren’t elastic. Instead, to rectify both initial design issues, Yoshiaki looked back to the Sengoku Period of Japan and its samurai armor technology.

He carved out the fish sausage into armor plates that would conform to the various contours of the human hand comfortably. The first hurdle was how to connect the plates. Anyone in the garment industry will tell you sausage is a notoriously weak textile. Yoshiaki circumvented this by using straws. The straws both reinforce the sausage and provide holes for linking.

Yoshiaki intended to use some Armani buttons to lock the sausage armor together. However, no such store carried these buttons on his way home from work. He had to settle for these beads from his local 100 yen shop.

Preliminary testing of the armor was an enormous success.

It was time to complete the Sausage Glove prototype.

The gloves was comfortable as well as stylish and even allowed for single-hand smartphone usage.

The perfect solution for winter touchscreen use had been found. But there’s more!

■ Eco-Friendly

Of course, sausage – fish or otherwise – has a limited period of use. However, this can be turned into a positive at the end of the day. First remove the sausage armor plating from your gloves and place into a bowl.

As an added bonus, you’ll find your glove is left looking like a festive Christmas tree.

Next, grind down the plating and shape it into a patty.

Then fry it up and serve with a demi-glace along with a side of greens. In the end you’ll have a surprisingly delicious and fluffy glove as a light dinner or midnight snack.

It’s the figure-eight of life. A fish is ground into meat and then shaped into sausage, the sausage is then forged into a glove and worn. After, the glove is ground back into meat and consumed. The food is digested and flushed into the ocean where it’s eaten by algae which is in turn eaten by insects or crustaceans which are then eaten by fish.

If all goes well that very same fish sausage will have returned to Yoshiaki’s hand in the not so distant future. So next time you want to keep your hands warm and use your smartphone, just build a fish sausage exo-skeleton with Donald Duck buttons. The Earth will thank you for it.

Source: Daily Portal Z (Japanese)
Images courtesy of Daily Portal Z