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We put the internet’s “techniques for emptying your bladder with morning wood” to the test

Mike Mar 27, 2014
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Ladies, you might want to cover your eyes for this one, ’cause this piece is going to get a little, um… messy.

Guys know all too well how awkward it can be to wake up with what is not-so-delicately referred to as “morning wood;” That is, a big honkin’ erection first thing in the morning for no apparent reason. Now, if you’re getting your standard eight hours of sleep, odds are – man or woman – you’re also going to have an urge to pee, but morning wood complicates this significantly: How on earth do you empty your bladder while pitching an underpants tent?

A series of hilarious diagrams outlining the possible methods a man may use to tackle this situation recently appeared online. The Japanese arm of our site thought these were frankly the best thing ever, but wondered whether they could really be applied to real life, so with a willing model and a camera, headed into the bathroom to give the poses – from “the Lunge” to “the Superman” – a try.

If my eighth grade health class was correct, there’s actually a small organic “valve” that shuts off the bladder when a man has an erection – the better to prevent accidentally peeing on a sexual partner, I suppose, or because God thought it would make a hilarious prank. Consequently, it’s possible to urinate with an erection, but the trajectory and pressure of the stream can be, let’s just say, unpredictable.

Thankfully, there are a few techniques you can try out so you don’t accidentally pee on your girlfriend’s bathroom floor first thing in the morning. We’re sure most of the men reading have already come up with a few of these independently:

The Wait

We begin with what is probably one of the more common techniques – the Wait. As its name implies, this one involves slipping out of bed before your girlfriend can wake up and notice you have a gross morning boner, then locking yourself in the bathroom, thinking about the least sexy things imaginable (fish, granite, mathematics and such) and waiting until Junior returns to a normal state. It’s the easiest of the lot, sure, but it takes time.

The Lunge

Believe it or not, ladies, the Lunge is already being employed by gents the world over – perhaps even in your own bathroom right now! This is also our Japanese reporter’s preferred method because it’s one of the more hassle-free options and sometimes you just can’t afford to wait. Just place one foot in front of the other like you’re doing a lunge at the gym, bend your knees and close the distance between toilet bowl and man parts to minimize spillage. It requires concentration, and its not foolproof, but it works.

The Frog

One of the more realistic ones on this list, this one involves turning away from the toilet and straddling it in a frog-like position. Again, a little disgusting but guaranteed to hit the mark.

The Handstand

The more acrobatically inclined may be able to pull this one off with stellar results. Since bending your, uh… apparatus directly down while erect completely cuts off the flow of urine, why not just turn the whole machine upside down? Take that, gravity!

The Superman

One of the dirtier options, the Superman requires you to press part of your body against the toilet bowl and then splay your arms and legs out for balance like you’re flying faster than a speeding bullet. It might be worth it in the end though, because there’s literally no way to miss with this technique, though slightly more well endowed men may want to consider giving it a miss.

The cloak is entirely optional, but really, who wants to pretend to be Superman without one!?

The Portal

One for the video game fans. However, without an actual portal gun to tear a hole in space and time with then direct your pee through, you’re essentially just going to be peeing on the wall. Not recommended.

The Blow Dryer

This ingenious tactic involves using the air from a blow dryer to direct the stream in an arc towards the bowl. Impressive to pull off, certainly, and kind of makes you feel like you’re playing a video game.

The Crazy Straw

And finally, we resort to using household items to help us in our time of need. Find a crazy straw or some tubing and affix to your junk. Then direct the tube to deposit its payload into the bowl.

I’d never thought of this one before, but now I’m actually considering keeping some plastic tubing around specifically for this purpose. Doubles as a helpful tourniquet in case you injure yourself trying one of these crazy techniques!

That’s all we’ve got so far, although we’re sure there are plenty of guys out there with even more bizarre and/or creative workarounds to this age-old conundrum. And ladies, congratulations if you managed to make it this far without wincing or feeling nauseated.

Photos: RocketNews24
Japanese article by Megu Sawai