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Mr. Sato takes a sperm test, passes with flying colors

Master Blaster Dec 7, 2014
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Our ace reporter Mr. Sato is currently into his 40s and during a conversation with one of his peers the other day he learnt that men of that age run a certain risk of diminished sperm. For instance, the man he was talking to recently got tested only to find that his sperm count was dropping to what he called the “requiem” stage.

This prompted Mr. Sato to actually think about what was going on down there, so he decided to get checked himself to make sure he wasn’t in his reproductive autumn as well. Luckily, it was learned that not only is Mr. Sato healthy but there’s a party in his pants…and yes, we’re all invited!

■ Tale of the Tape

After delivering his sample (a harrowing ordeal which involved a difficult-to-control Blu-ray player) Mr. Sato waited two hours for his initial results. His sperm was measured in four categories: amount of seminal fluid, number of sperm cells per mL, number of sperm cells in at once (a factor of the previous two figures), and motility, which is a measure of the sperms’ movement.

▼ The player in the depository had a selection of three discs, but the navigation functions were dreadful.

Each value is measured next to the WHO’s minimum amounts that have even a possibility of conceiving a child. When Mr. Sato received his results his face lit up brighter than it does with Funasshi make-up on. Not only was his sperm count nearly three times the minimum limit, his fluid was also over three times the lowest possible amount.

As a result, his massive loads contain a whopping 213 million sperms cells! This was well above the minimum amount of 39 million set by the WHO. Mr. Sato couldn’t help but feel manlier than ever. It was as if he had a pair of factories down there churning out little guys at a rate that would make Eiji Toyoda blush.

By now you’re probably saying “Pfft, yeah right. I’ll believe it when I see it.” Well, alright wiseguy we made sure to get video evidence. So, sit back, grab a snack and enjoy…Mr. Sato’s sperm.

Beautiful, ain’t it? It’s like a starry autumn sky.

■ The downside

As usual, doctors like to balance out a good test result with some sobering advice. Although it was above the minimum, the amount of movement in Mr. Sato’s sperm was a little on the low side. The doctor also cautioned him that his true fertilizing ability could only be understood with further testing.

This advanced testing would require a look at the DNA in detail and thoroughly examine the sperm cell’s head. This would require more time and money, two things Mr. Sato didn’t have any more so he postponed it for another time. He felt satisfied with the results he already got.

▼ The results also came with a commemorative photo (1000x magnification)

But the bad news didn’t stop there, medical staff also advised him to get at least a second test at a later date. Sperm counts can fluctuate quite a bit and even seasonal changes can cause large differences in the amount. Mr. Sato was also told to watch his weight as obesity can have nasty effects on the health of his sperm cells which were already looking a little on the lazy side.

Finally, he was told that he should ejaculate twice a week to maintain healthy sperm. He was hoping to hear an “at least” somewhere in the doctor’s sentence, but it never came.

■ With great sperm comes great responsibility

In spite of all the warnings, Mr. Sato felt very confident about the Shibuya Crossing of cells swimming around in his pants. However, he also felt a sense of danger with such a loaded weapon. Perhaps he was too fertile and a high risk for accidental pregnancy.

So, he set a personal rule that before asking any women out, he would first inform them that he has a massive density of sperm cells inside a larger-than-average glob of semen. This way potential mates can exercise the necessary caution, keeping a safe distance if need be. And so far they all have.

Original article by Mr. Sato
Photos & Video: RocketNews24

▼ Where the magic happens! Complete with heater, air purifier, Blu-ray, and tissues.

[ Read in Japanese ]