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Attack on Titan live action movie receives its most colossal review from a Tiny Titan

KK Miller Sep 19, 2015
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As you probably know, Attack on Titan, the mega-popular manga and anime series, was recently adapted into a live-action movie and infamously received absolutely horrible reviews—it might be a toss-up between this movie and Fantastic 4 as to which summer blockbuster was worse. For its part, the Attack on Titan movie was so horrible that one Japanese critic hoped for the titans to eat the characters and be done with the whole thing. No one is asking Dr. Doom to eat Mr. Fantastic…yet.

As they say though, you shouldn’t judge something till you see it for yourself, so we had to send one of our own.

Obviously, there was only one man we could trust on such an important mission, our illustrious Japanese writer, Mr. Sato. Although, he too had read the harsh reviews, he wanted to see the first movie himself before the release of the second part of the series, Attack on Titan: End of the World. Is it possible that the ever open-minded Mr. Sato could find something to like about this film? Whatever the answer, you know he is going to wear an appropriate/inappropriate costume for the movie.

▼ Introducing Tiny Titan Sato!

▼ Even though he traveled from Shinjuku to Shibuya, there were no attacks on our titan.

▼ Still unclear what effects rain has on titans.

▼ Even titans need a smoke break

Finally at the theater, Mr. Sato acquired all the essentials required to enjoy a movie: a nice big tub of popcorn and a drink. It’s a good thing he got a large, as he had to satisfy his colossal titan-like appetite. Finally in his seat, he waited for the lights to dim and the movie to start.

▼ Titans also enjoy these concessions when watching movies.

A quick hour and a half later the credits rolled and it was time to find out what Mr. Sato thought about the movie. What sort of reaction will he have?

▼ One second after finishing the movie…

▼ Two seconds after finishing the movie…

▼ Three seconds after finishing the movie…

Though he was paralyzed like a Jizo statue, the diety that protects children, his mind wasn’t as graceful.

“What the #&@% was that?!”

Mr. Sato couldn’t seem to sort out what he was watching as the story had changed so much from the manga and anime versions. There were a number of parts of the movie that he vehemently disagreed with, like the negligence of the characters after they were attacked for the first time, characters who were unable to stick to the original characterization and the enormous deviations from the original story.

He was most hung up on the fact that the relationship between Eren and Mikasa had changed so much. Throughout the original story, they stay strong and support each other even when times are extremely tough. However in this movie, Mikasa is bitter towards Eren and blames him for things obviously out of his control. Mr. Sato simply couldn’t wrap his spandex-wrapped head around that.

Nevertheless, the ever-positive tiny titan is willing to reserve his final judgment until he sees the next movie, then he will have the chance to evaluate the whole live-action offering. The second installment comes out today, September 19, and Mr. Sato will be in the theater to catch the flick, for better or for worse. So if you happen to run into a man in a titan costume, be sure to say, hello.