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Try our crappy lifehack for “better BMs”

Master Blaster Nov 3, 2016
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Our writer Yuichiro Wasai recently had a life-changing experience regarding the way he poops and now he wants to share it with the world.

This trick will likely not be new to a lot of people, but even though defecation is a frequent and essential part of all our lives, it is a seldom discussed topic. This leaves many like Yuichiro in the dark about potential ways to improve their trips to the toilet.

So, when he was visiting his doctor about a case of hemorrhoids, it came to him as a surprise that the GP recommended applying vaseline to his anus before and after movements to help ease the discomfort.

It seemed too simple to really make a difference, but Yuichiro thought he would give it a try anyway. As it was, his poops were like running into a ruffian on the street who begins to bully you. This hooligan isn’t exactly threatening but mildly painful and annoying, telling you your shoelaces are untied then flicking your face when you look down and such.

But worst of all these turds are keeping you from going to the places you need to go and doing the things you need to do. If we were to express what Yuichiro’s defecations looked like as a human, it would be something like this.

So, he stopped by the drug store on his way home and picked up a tube of petroleum jelly. He was relieved to find that they didn’t cost much at all.

Then, when nature called, he pulled out the lube and prepped the area for evacuation. Although he would have managed better with his bare finger, he went for the more hygienic move of applying a dab to toilet paper and then rubbing it on.

▼ So, don’t be afraid to shake his hand if you ever meet him.

What happened next was hard for Yuichiro to describe. One reason was because words failed to express how pleasurable of a poop he experienced. Another was that he didn’t feel comfortable going into so much detail without someone buying him dinner first.

However, among the many benefits he says he received from using petroleum jelly was the “smoothness” of the movement. Feces, which was normally belligerent and slow to drop, came out like a raw hot dog sliding from its wet plastic wrapper.

Now instead of the angry delinquent on the street, Yuichiros poops were like a sensitive partner who responds to your needs but also never takes up too much of your time, because they realize you need your space. If Yuichiro’s new BMs were a person they would be like this.

Also, as instructed, Yuichiro applied a little more vaseline afterwards. That was nice too. He felt like he was rewarding his sphincter with a cooling pat on the back. “There, there, buddy…You did it,” he would calmly whisper as he did it.

And so, from that point on, Yuichiro was completely sold on using vaseline to facilitate his trips to the toilet. He would regularly return to the drug store and buy more petroleum jelly. The nice lady at the counter even told him she respected the way he chooses to live and that he should meet her nephew someday if he has the time.

However, Yuichiro also wants to stress that even though using vaseline was a fantastic experience for him, it may not work for everyone. For example, some people might not like the sensation of pooping out an eel and prefer a little friction in their movements.

Also, the anus is a sensitive body part and unique to each person, so everyone should read the label carefully and in some cases even consult a doctor before attempting this themselves.

We would probably recommend a healthy, balanced diet and plenty of exercise as a better way to ensure comfortable bowel movements. Yuichiro considers himself beyond the point of no return for that, however. Regular readers may recall the time he began urinating cola-colored fluid after attempting exercise last year.

Nevertheless, this was a milestone in Yuichiro’s life and he would be remiss if he didn’t share this information, in the hopes that it will help someone else out there with troublesome poops.

Original article by Yuichiro Wasai
Photos: RocketNews24
[ Read in Japanese ]