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Black telephone like me: What if a handsome guy tries modern politics’ most famous harido?

Master Blaster Mar 8, 2018
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If you ever feel like testing the limits of your hairdresser, try ordering one of these bad boys.

Although he won’t be winning any Nobel Peace Prizes in the near future, Kim Jong-un has easily made himself one of the most recognizable world leaders in recent years. Recently, he has been in the spotlight again for entering renewed talks with South Korea and the USA.

Rencontre inédite entre les émissaires de Séoul et Kim Jon-un à Pyongyang https://t.co/hXVtZzduYo pic.twitter.com/61gE4zzmXp

— RFI (@RFI) March 6, 2018

For our reporter Masanuki Sunakoma, the real story is that unusual hairstyle that has come to be a signature of the Kim Jong-un style. He has heard the rumors that all men in North Korea are required to have the same haircut, but outside of the country it is virtually unseen.

So what if a reasonably attractive man got the same hairstyle? Could it become a thing, or was it always destined to join the ranks of the Hitler Mustache and that whole thing Vlad the Impaler had going on in that famous portrait of him.

To find out, Masanuki entrusted his own coif to the trained professionals at Total Beauty Salon Brilliant and ordered a Kim Jong-un haircut. His stylist Minematsu was also a board member at the Saga Japan Hairset School who specialized in hairstyles from foreign lands. This one was probably a first for him, however.

Masanuki learned that the hairstyle was called Haki Hair (Ambition Hair) because it is said to create a feeling of ambition. After scrutinizing several photos of Kim Jong-un over the years, Minematsu felt he had enough to get to work.

The key to Haki Hair is the way it seems to rise from the head as if it were flying away. To do this the sides needed to be shaved with clippers to a length of 0.8 millimeters. This was a very delicate cut however, because it was leaving the cut area irrevocably bald and the appropriate size of the bald area would be different to suit each individual’s shape of head.

So, Minematsu went bit by bit, removing a small bit at a time before achieving the right balance for Masanuki’s features. The process took about an hour.

As he began to feel an increasingly large draft on the sides of his head, Masanuki began to feel very uncomfortable. His head began to feel too top-heavy, much like one of those rotary telephones (often called a “black telephone” in Japan) that Japanese people often ridicule Kim Jong-un for resembling.

As the cutting continued, Masanuki’s usually easy-going demeanor began to fade away. His sense of discomfort began to morph into raw anger. “I’d like to see someone try and call me a telephone,” he thought as his face grew cold and hard, “Just let them try…”

The next step involved squaring out the top. This cut required sharp angles to create a further sense of intensity. By the time Minematsu began putting product into Masanuki’s hair the friendly chatter that filled the first half of the styling had ceased.

Masanuki sat quiet in his own thoughts while mistrust for all those around him festered deep inside.

Then, voila! The Kim Jong-un Haki Hair was complete..or was it? Something seemed off.

▼ “The people, and the people alone, are the motivating force in the making of world history.”

Uh-oh… Something went wrong and the sides of Masanuki’s head were too rounded. The result was a little more Mao Zedong than Kim Jong-un. Luckily another hairdresser got the idea to use some hairpins to hold down the sides.

▼ “Bring me Dennis Rodman.”

It was complete, but with the complete annihilation of Masanuki’s sideburns so too went a significant amount of his humanity.

His first act as Supreme Ruler of Total Beauty Salon Brilliant – which he had just annexed a moment before – was to greet his subjects and dispel rumors of his failing health.

His next act was to place a call to the Tokyo office and speak with his colleague Mr. Sato.

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“Hullo?”
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“It’s me.”
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“Oh, Osaka-Man! So have you made a decision on selling me that Corolla, or what?”
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“The days of you blackmailing me are over, you mentally deranged dotard!”
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“Oh yeah?! Just bring it numbnuts! I got a hair salon too and trust me babe; it’s huge…way bigger than yours. Yup-ah.”
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“It’s a salon. Why does the size matter?”
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“…Good day sir!”
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Next, Masanuki enlisted the other two hairstylists as his sexy all-female bodyguard unit.

▼ “I like the way you crunch those numbers… Say, how about you an’ me do some crunching too?”

However, one of them showed a significant lack of faith in what Masanuki was trying to accomplish. So he banished her to the closet. The other soon followed when she too showed an unpatriotic heart by not letting him help her with her golf swing.

Minematsu served as Masanuki’s right-hand man under the new regime. That is, until Masanuki heard rumors that he was conspiring with the Chinese to install “a more flexible” leader. Minematsu was liquidated with extreme prejudice: Masanuki splashed a glass of water in his face and harshly told him to go away.

Masanuki’s control over Total Beauty Salon Brilliant now stood unchallenged. He could finally begin building the thriving salon he had always dreamed of since he was three hours younger.

In conclusion, the Haki Hair does have potential for regular people but is definitely an acquired taste.

If you decide to take that plunge, be sure to warn your stylist to watch the length of the sides carefully, pay attention to the roundness of the sides, and ask them to give you breaks every five to ten minutes so you don’t lose your mind in the process.

Photos: SoraNews24
[ Read in Japanese ]