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Time to throw on some crotch-accentuating slacks and hit the town!

Master Blaster Jun 4, 2018
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A trio of our least-unhandsome reporters try out GU’s unusual new pants.

Not too long ago we showcased major clothing brand GU’s most recent oddity, the Slim Tapered Pants (Color Block). For the most part, they’re a pair of slim-fitting light slacks, but someone made the peculiar choice of slapping on a eye-catchingly differently colored patchy right in between the legs.

At first, I thought it was a good idea, because the extra flap would prevent accidentally leaving the restroom with your fly down. However, the stark contrast in colors kind of defeats the purpose. It’s like announcing to everyone: “Hey, I’m a guy who has trouble remembering to zip up my pants and needs a safety flap!”

But as we have shown time and time again, a lot of us old guys here at SoraNews aren’t really hip to fashion, and maybe we just aren’t getting what the Slim Tapered Pants (Color Block) are all about. So deciding to not knock it till we try it, we went and purchased three pairs from a nearby GU store.

▼ They were a steal at only 990 yen (US$9) and
came in three colors: off-white, navy blue, and beige.

Sure enough, they all had a differently-colored strip of material running up and down the pelvic region, as if someone had screwed up at the factory.

It also looked as if you were supposed to holster guns in there. Freud would probably have something to say about this.

After enough time was spent pondering their meaning, our three middle-aged reporters slid into the Slim Tapered Pants (Color Block) to see if they could pull off the look.

At first, they kind of looked like they had medical conditions, but it was easy to see the problem. These guys were used to wearing run-of-the-mill utilitarian clothes like jeans and T-shirts that, while effective at telling everyone their favorite bands, required no effort from the wearer. These pants, however, were high fashion, so the person wearing them would need to work it.

There. That’s better.

Now instead of appearing afflicted by some terrible disorder, their crotches looked powerful and majestic, like three mother eagles regurgitating lightning bolts into their babies’ mouths.

With renewed confidence these men strutted into the streets of Tokyo, daring the entire world to look deep between their legs.

They weren’t just wearing pants anymore. They were living the Slim Tapered Pants (Color Block) life!

▼ Those guys must have told some pretty big lies recently,
because their pants are on fire!

At the very intersection where Mr. Sato once walked in fear of being tasered by the police, he now felt as if he was the one who could stun a cop with his gorgeous pelvis alone.

The true test of any fashion is to see what kind of reaction you get from the staff and clientele of Starbucks. These are true sophisticates who use words like “venti” and know the difference between “cold brew” and “iced coffee.”

Normally our reporters would feel overwhelmed by the class and savoir faire swirling in such a restaurant, but not today.

They boldly placed their order, and didn’t even receive a casual glance at their crotch areas from anyone. They had truly become one with the Slim Tapered Pants (Color Block).

In fact they became so comfortable in these pants that they each bought a drink that would best enhance their groins even more!

Yes, life is good when you’re a Slim Tapered Pants (Color Block) kinda guy. Everyone learned that true fashion doesn’t come from fancy brand names or strips of fabric over our genitals…

…it comes from the passion and excitement within. Sometimes, when all that excitement builds up to a point where you simply can’t hold it anymore, it bursts out, shooting hot fashion into the eyes of all those around you.

And that, my friends, is what the Slim Tapered Pants (Color Block) lifestyle is all about.