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Can a bout of Nipple Sumo soothe workplace tensions between office bros? We investigate

Evie Nyan Aug 14, 2019
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What’s “Nipple Sumo“, you ask? We would have thought that was obvious…

Sumo wrestling is perhaps Japan’s most well-known sport, but many would argue that it is instead more of an art form, an encapsulation of poise, grace and samurai-like honor which serves as an important facet of Japan’s rich culture and heritage.

But then there’s Nipple Sumo, which is just plain crazy fun! Here at the SoraNews24 offices when we’re not hard at work bringing you that gritty journalism from the underbelly of Japan’s subculture, we’re coming up with new ways to strengthen the bonds of our team and make sure that as well as being coworkers, we’re all best bros and ladybros, too. Now, the best way to strengthen those bonds between our hearts is to indulge in a round or two of Nipple Sumo, and strengthen those bonds between our nipples as well! (Literally, we attach strings to our nipples).

▼ With clips!

However, as we all know, any good grudge match begins with a frisson of tension and a heavy serving of beef between wrestlers. Our most ardent Nipple Sumo practitioners, Go Hatori and P.K Sanjun are unfortunately best buddies as well as coworkers though.

▼ Well, they’re best buddies when they’re not wrestling each other, anyway.

To really whip up the audience, our boys realized they needed to introduce some animosity into their bromance, and what better way to warm up for a few rounds of Nipple Sumo than with some gentle ass-kicking?

▼ Literally, they kicked each other’s asses.

First, P.K Sanjun wound up to deliver a load of foot-driven fury onto the hapless buttocks of his former buddy, Go Hatori.

▼ Go waits with anticipation, clenched buttocks aquiver

▼ P.K. pretends he’s trying out for J-League soccer with a hefty right hoof to the tush.

▼ Go’s face is the picture of determination as he braces for impact…

▼ Ouch! That had to hurt! You can see the agony etched into every line of his face.

▼ P.K, meanwhile, is jubilant and resplendent in his triumph.

▼ Not to worry, though, as Go’s turn for revenge is swiftly at hand.

▼ P.K’s agony is so intense, his facial features melt into a blur.

Okay that’s enough of that business, now onto the Nipple Sumo! First, our bros attach the nipple clamps (aqua blue for P.K and pretty pink for Go) and prepare to yank each other out of the sumo ring (aka a hastily-cleared area of SoraNews24 office floorspace) using only the power of their useless man nipples!

P.K wins as reigning champion, but it looks like Go is still suffering a little soreness in the rear area.

At least the two are best bros again, and all is well in SoraNews24 land, though Go might be needing some ointment for those scrapes.

And if our play-by-play wasn’t spicy enough for you, we invite you to watch the match in its entirety below!

And now we have one very important final question: do you think we should submit Nipple Sumo for consideration to the Tokyo 2020 Olympics, or no?

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[ Read in Japanese ]