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Our Japanese-language reporter dressed up to woo his celebrity crush, but it didn’t go as planned

Dale Roll Sep 6, 2019
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Someone really should have warned everyone involved about what was going to happen.

There are many beautiful and beloved female celebrities in Japan that are just simply worshiped by their fans, not least among them the overwhelmingly popular idol singers like AKB48. But while there are many proverbial fish in the sea, our Japanese-language reporter P.K. Sanjun only has eyes for one person: Japanese actress and singer Kyoko Fukada, affectionately known as Fukakyon.

Undeniably beautiful, Kyoko Fukada is popular not only in Japan but also throughout Asia, having appeared in dozens of dramas and movies since the start of her career more than 20 years ago. Her Instagram is also much-loved by netizens, with over three million people following her.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by 深田恭子 (@kyokofukada_official)

P.K. is so in love with her that he’d probably be one to spend upwards of $1,000 for a bottle of her leftover bathwater. He even managed to take a selfie with her earlier this year, which to him basically means that they’re dating. Really, he’s just been waiting for her to call.

▼ See how happy they both look? They’re destined for love!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by P.K.サンジュン (@p.k.sanjun)

But she never did call, and so he began to worry. Could it possibly be that he’s not Fukakyon’s type? After all, a woman as beautiful as her doesn’t stay unmarried at 36 years old without having a very specific taste in men. Maybe he needed to polish himself a bit more before seeing her again?

His chance was coming up. There was going to be a press conference for the “Association for the Enhancement of Generally Incorporated Broadcast Services”, and Fukakyon was scheduled to make an appearance. But what was her type? What could P.K. do to grab her attention? He asked the editing team’s Yoshio to help him do a deep net search for information. Five minutes later, Yoshio looked up from his phone and said, “It looks like she’s into Melonpanna.”

Melonpanna?! A female cartoon character with a melon bread-shaped head from the popular children’s cartoon Anpanman?!

▼ She looks like this.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B0AhrrRlZkM/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

At first P.K. was confused. Then he thought about it…

And thought about it some more…

And then the pieces clicked into place, and he said, “Is that so?”, his face creasing into a creepy smile.

It made sense, once he thought about it. Melonpanna is a strong ally of Anpanman, with a powerful, one-hit attack called Melo Melo Punch. Fukukyon has probably been proposed to by tens of thousands of men before, but never by Melonpanna. No one has had the Melo Melo Punch that would knock her off her feet! (Not literally, of course, that would be blasphemy.)

And so, P.K. hatched a plan. Kyoko Fukada is a goddess who has been waiting for her ideal Melonpanna. There was only one thing to do.

Just one thing.

He must become Melonpanna!

That’s right, if the answer to the question in all men’s minds is Melonpanna, then P.K. would attend the press conference dressed as the melon bread-headed hero herself; he would become the world’s only “real Melonpanna”. In some paradoxical way, Fukakyon will have no choice but to love him!

And so, the “real Melonpanna” got on the subway…

Rode the escalator up to ground level…

Walked down the street…

And made it to the press conference!

It would be one hour before Fukakyon, who was going to be a new character for the “4k8k Broadcasting Implementation” program, would appear, but that was no problem for P.K. The countdown to love had begun.

Once inside, P.K. found it was, frankly, a pretty boring press conference in a pretty plain space…and there really weren’t very many people there…so Melonpanna stood out like a sore thumb among the attendees.

But P.K. didn’t care. Love never comes without obstacles! With a calm heart, he waited for his beloved Fukakyon to appear…

And there she was!!

▼ “Aaaaaahhhhhhh!”

▼ “AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH”

▼ “KYOKOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

For one hour, P.K. watched over Fukakyon quietly, surrounded by men in suits. There was no way she would be able to miss him. In fact, it’s possible she was already falling for him as she stood on stage. Somehow, their eyes even met (he thought). She seemed to be slightly restless on stage, but P.K. was smitten. “Ahh, Kyoko, I love that about you, too!” he thought dreamily.

All in all, P.K. would call it a great success. All he had to do now was wait for her to contact him. Since she’s a celebrity, he thought, would he be required to join her on press conferences? At what point would he be meeting her parents? P.K. wondered about these things as he tottered back to the office, when suddenly his thoughts were interrupted by Yoshio, who had accompanied him, clapping his hands together in apology.

▼ “Sorry…Melonpanna is actually the name of Fukakyon’s toy poodle!”

▼ “…..”

▼ “YOOOOUUUUUUU–“

So if Melonpanna wasn’t Fukakyon’s type, didn’t that make a “real Melonpanna” just some weirdo in a costume?! In fact, she probably didn’t even recognize him as Melonpanna. Maybe she thought he was some kind of indie pro wrestler, or a lost actor from some kind of weird play. This was the worst prank of the Reiwa Era.

Sadly, his plan to woo Kyoko Fukuda ended in major failure. But it was alright. Kyoko Fukada is a goddess, so she would, of course, be able to forgive a “real Melonpanna”…right? He does want the people at the press conference, you readers, and Fukakyon to know that he gave Yoshio a serious Melo Melo Punch for all the trouble he caused.

▼ “Melo Melo…”

▼ “Punch!!!”

And then he went to Lawson to get some Snoopy Treats and Makoto Shinkai Tea to ease his broken heart.

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[ Read in Japanese ]