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Mr. Sato attempts to battle his butt forest with Japan’s affordable Osu! Ass Hair Trimmer

Casey Baseel Mar 17, 2020
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Mr. Sato acknowledges that he has butt hair, and (sort of) does something about it.

The other day, our crack reporter Mr. Sato was in a pensive mood, ruminating on how often we know so little about ourselves. He doesn’t know what manner of darkness lurks in his subconscious, for example.

Also, he doesn’t now what darkness lurks in his own butt hair.

“I always believed I had no butt hair,” he explained. “Okay, okay…I always tried to convince myself that I had no butt hair. But whether I acknowledged it or not, it’s been silently growing.”

“But is this how a man lives his life?” he shouted. “Is it OK to go on living like this?”

We weren’t sure if he was asking us, himself, or the heavens, but apparently he had the answer to his question. “No! Such cowardice suits no man! A man faces life’s challenges head-on!” he cried out, voicing his fiery resolution to, figuratively, put his head up his ass.

▼ “A man named Sato, 46-years old, ready to face his butt hair.”

And so it was that Mr. Sato ran full-speed to the nearest branch of discount retailer Don Quixote, then ran full-speed back with something called the Osu! Ketsuge Trimmer.

▼ Osu is the way manly men greet each other in Japanese, and ketsuge means “ass hair.”

The Osu! Ass Hair Trimmer costs just 1,480 yen (US$14.30), which was good, because while Mr. Sato was prepared to bid farewell to his butt hair, he wasn’t eager to part with much of his money.

Removing the trimmer from the package, he found that it looks sort of like a compact electric face razor. There’s also a dedicated cleaning brush, since if you’re using a brush to clean something you stuck in your butt, odds are you don’t want those bristles touching anything else.

A key difference between the Osu! Ass Hair Trimmer and regular razors, though, is that the OAHT has a mirror on it.

▼ “So this will show me my butt…”

The razor is powered by four AAA batteries, and when Mr. Sato switched it on, it began to hum and vibrate ever so slightly as the blades turned. There’s also an LED light right below the mirror.

▼ Just as Mr. Sato lights up our lives, the Osu! Ketsuage Trimmer was ready to light up his butt.

And with that, it was time to get to trimming.

▼ Arrow showing Mr. Sato’s back

▼ “Here we gooooooooo!”

However, no sooner did he squat down and reach a hand between his legs did Mr. Sato run into a roadblock impeding his progress towards his smooth ambitions.

Or, perhaps, a roadcock. As he reached down and began to wrap his hand around towards the target zone, his bulge got in the way, and he couldn’t see the mirror.

Now, for some people this won’t be a problem, and no, we’re not trying to brag about the size of Mr. Sato’s package here. In order to see what’s going on in the mirror, you have to look down at a pretty steep angle. That in itself isn’t a problem, but Mr. Sato’s eyesight is such that has to wear glasses, and leaning over enough to see the mirror means they’ll slip off his face.

If you’ve got good eyesight or wear contacts, this shouldn’t be an issue, but for Mr. Sato it meant that using the Osu! Ass Hair Trimmer would require one of two things:
1. Maneuvering mechanically moving blades around his butthole with no visual reference, something he wasn’t prepared to do.
2. Asking one of us to be his spotter and give him verbal guidance as we observed the process from close-up, something none of us are, or ever will be, prepared to do.

And so Mr. Sato is yet to actually use his butt hair trimmer. We were tempted to ask him what happened to all of his blustery confidence about how a man handles adversity, but considering the hardships his nether regions have endured in the line of duty, we can’t really be too hard on the guy for not taking yet another one for the team.

Unfortunately, this means that Mr. Sato’s indeterminate amount of butt hair is as luxuriously thick as it ever was, if not more so due to new growth in the time since these photos were taken, but should he feel the need, there’s always the route of asking for professional help.

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