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We try squeezing our boss’ face until it gets smaller【Experiment】

Master Blaster Jul 29, 2020
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Fun with germanium.

Mr. Sato and SoraNews24 founder Yoshio have worked together for over a decade and owe a lot to each other for their hard work and support over the years. But despite all that, there’s just one thing that Mr. Sato could never get over: Yoshio’s big fat face.

▼ “Our boss Yoshio”

That huge mug of Yoshio’s was a constant distraction to Mr. Sato and really made it hard for him to focus on his many challenges from eating a mountain of onions to getting groomed. How could anyone build a cardboard house in the middle of the office while in constant fear of getting accidentally inhaled by one of those cavernous nostrils?

Still, Mr. Sato respected Yoshio enough not to write an entire article about how gross Yoshio’s face was to him, so instead he decided to write an article about what an awesome employee he was by helping to fix his hot mess of a boss.

To do that, he purchased the Germanium Small Face Sauna Mask Men’s for 3,278 yen (US$31). There’s a surprising variety of choices when it comes to face-shrinking masks for men in Japan, but Mr. Sato spared no expense in finding the absolute cheapest one around.

This mask harnesses the awesome power of the element germanium, which is scientifically proven to have little or no effect on organic matter, and combines it with five layers of materials which help to smooth and moisturize skin while it slowly crushes the wearer’s face into a smaller size.

And since it was designed for men, it has a masculine sporty look. In fact Mr. Sato felt he could take it out to the paintball range in between treatments of Yoshio’s grotesquely defined cheeks.

It was incredibly easy to use. All you have to do it strap it on and let the germanium do its thing. Yoshio probably could have put it on himself, but Mr. Sato wanted to make sure his friend and employer was as comfortable as possible during his rehabilitation towards a normal human face.

Mr. Sato: “Does it hurt?”
Yoshio: “Nope.”

Mr. Sato: “Does this hurt?”
Yoshio: “Nope.”

Mr. Sato: “How about this?”
Yoshio: “No…pe…”

When the mask was installed, Yoshio’s head did look remarkably slimmer. However, he reminded Mr. Sato of someone else that he couldn’t quite put his finger on right away…

Yoshio: “Hello Clarice.”
Mr. Sato: “Gyah!”

According to the package, one should wear this mask for five to 10 minutes each day. Yoshio seemed to suffer from a serious case of fat-face, so Mr. Sato told him to keep in on for the full 10. While the mask slowly molded Yoshio’s skull into a form more palatable to society, he decided to get some work done in his coronavirus-resistant cubicle.

Mr. Sato too had some work to do, so he went to Yoshio’s desk for his next assignment, making sure to keep to the right along the way.

Yoshio: “Quid pro quo, Mr. Sato. I will tell you what to do when you tell me something…ssslp ssslp ssslp. Sorry, this mask is very hot. You are from Shimane Prefecture. Tell me about the lambs in Shimane, Mr. Sato. Have the lambs there stopped screaming?”

For the rest of the 10 minutes, Mr. Sato stayed as far away from Yoshio as he could. His boss was starting to get inside his head.

When time was up, Mr. Sato hurried over and helped Yoshio take off the head gear.

At first glance, his face did look a little more streamlined, but his nose also looked slightly bent out of shape. Hopefully, that would pop back into place after a minute of two.

To see is the Germanium Small Face Sauna Mask Men’s really provided the “speedy face slimming” it promised on the package, here is a before-and-after image.

It looked about the same, but in all fairness that was only one use. It would take repeated wearings to see any significant effect, but at least until that time comes he’ll have his handmade underwear masks that cover his whole head.

▼ Based on today’s data we scientifically projected what Yoshio’s face would look like if he continued to use this product every day until the year 2092, in the form of a CG image.

We couldn’t confirm whether Yoshio was going to continue his treatment, because while our backs were turned he stabbed Mr. Sato in the neck with a Tokyo Banana Kit-Kat and escaped. Mr. Sato’s not hurt of course, as it was just a partially melted chocolate bar, but it was quite startling nonetheless.

A few hours later Yoshio called into the office and apologized, saying he had to hurry because he was having an old friend for dinner.

Photos ©SoraNews24
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