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“Safe” way to drink on the street recommended by our mask expert, forbidden by everyone else

Master Blaster Aug 4, 2021
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Drown your sorrows or drown yourself trying.

Recently, drinking on the street has become a growing concern, especially in Tokyo where COVID-19 restrictions make it very hard for people to purchase alcohol at local restaurants or watering holes. To make matters worse, we are now entering the height of summer, a time when many try to beat the heat in outdoor beer gardens. It is often said that beer reaches unheard of levels of deliciousness when consumed frosty under these conditions.

However, for our writer Ahiruneko, this was not to be. With a cold beer in hand. he sat forlorn on some park steps, because the strip of cloth on his face prevented him from consuming it comfortably in public. Sure, he could remove the mask, but then he’d become a part of the growing social problem of street drinking.

▼ Ahiruneko: “Oh, beer. You have never looked more beautiful than you do at this moment, glistening in the summer sun.”

▼ Ahiruneko: “What’s that? You want me to drink you? Alas, I cannot. Our land is ravaged with COVID-19 once more, and I must do my part to prevent its spread…”

▼ Ahiruneko: “You are right next to me, and yet we are worlds apart.”

▼ ???: “Sounds like you need a hand, my friend.”

▼ Ahiruneko: “Huh?”

▼ ???: “Sorry, it’s probably hard to hear me with this thing on… I SAID, YOU NEED HELP!!!”

The year was 2019 and mild-mannered reporter Seiji Nakazawa was microwaving a bag of recalled bag of potato chips when he was suddenly struck by a blast of sigma radiation. As a result, he was imbued with the full knowledge of masks and how to use them. He became….

▼ Mask Man

▼ Mask Man: “I see you have a mask problem, so I’m here to help.”

▼ Mask Man: “As you can see though, today I’m not actually wearing a mask. This is technically a full-face snorkel, and it is the key to your salvation.”

▼ Mask Man: “Come with me to my lair — which is our office because we work together — and I shall teach you an ancient wisdom passed down from frat house to frat house since time immemorial.”

Ahiruneko followed Mask Man back to their office and picked up a beer on the way. First, Mask Man explained the principles of the face snorkel. A little spout at the top was meant for air to enter while swimming, much like with a regular snorkel.

However, today Mask Man would harness the awesome power of gravity to magically reverse the polarity of this spout and use it to put liquids in his mouth rather than keep them out. In this way he can drink while still keeping his gross germs off of everyone else.

Mask Man also insisted that the lesson be taught on the balcony because it would probably get messy and he might puke.

▼ Mask Man: “Now my child, pour the Asahi Super Dry into the spout and behold.”

▼ Ahiruneko: “Okay, down the hatch!”

Ahiruneko was amazed at Mask Man’s technique, and he couldn’t help but feel jealous at the thought of being totally submerged in a cold beer on such a sweltering day.

▼ Mask Man: “Glub, gloop, grrrrglllegle…”

Unbeknownst to Ahiruneko, Seiji had forgotten to instruct him to pour only a little bit of beer in at a time, so he continuously poured the entire half-liter (17 ounces) of beer right into Mask Man’s face.

▼ Mask Man: “Guuuugggguguglle *help Glooop, Glub, Argh.”*

Luckily the mask had a safely valve that let out some of the excess beer as it flooded Mask Man’s face.

That beer splattered all over his superhero costume in a violent fury.

When it was finished, Ahiruneko thought he could hear sobbing coming from inside the snorkel.

But that sobbing quickly turned to laughter. Seiji had not only enjoyed a beer, but had stared death in the face and lived to tell the tale. He now had a new lease on life and promised to finally finish that jigsaw puzzle he’d been working on once and for all.

We must stress that this technique is neither safe nor an enjoyable way to drink a beer. Please always do the right thing and drink your beer with the respect and dignity it deserves, and remember that this dramatization was done by a trained professional idiot.

Speaking of which, Mask Man had tried this last year with water but found that beer was much easier to handle because it foamed up when poured into the mask allowing him to breathe a little more freely this time.

We also advise against using full-face snorkels on dry land in the summer heat as it increases your chances of heat-stroke dramatically. In addition, whenever using a full-face snorkel, always follow the manufacturer’s instructions to avoid accidents.

Furthermore, never shoot cooling spray down your pants or walk down the street in a mankini. These have nothing to do with this story, but we’re on a roll with all this advice-dispensing and those are just generally good rules to follow.

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[ Read in Japanese ]