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Mr Sato makes a frightening purchase at an Akihabara vending machine

Oona McGee Sep 16, 2021
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A product literally shrouded in mystery.

For all his intrepid roving around the country searching for unusual vending machine finds, our reporter Mr Sato surprised us all when he told us he’d never been to the infamous vending machine corner in Tokyo’s Akihabara neighbourhood.

This corner is a popular spot for local and international tourists, because the machines here dispense some of the most creepy and randomly weird products you’ll find in Tokyo.

Mr Sato had passed this spot plenty of times, but had never thought to take a closer look at the cluster of old machines before. Yet for some reason, he felt pulled towards the area when he was in Akihabara today, and so he gave in to this curious desire and peered into the rows of glass windows.

It was then that Mr Sato realised why this vending machine corner was so well-known. Inside a few of the machines, the products on display weren’t immediately visible, as they were wrapped in paper with printed text on them. He’d never seen anything like it. That wasn’t the only weird thing about it, either, as the prices were all over the place, with some costing 490 yen, others 590 yen, and others hitting the 1,080 yen (US$9.81) mark.

There was a range of different machines here, and some of them openly displayed their wares, but those ones were filled with curious items like cans of oden, jars of chocolates, and…a random ball?

It was as if a mad jester had stocked the machines, and the humour was right up Mr Sato’s alley. So he fished 290 yen out of his pocket, inserted the coins into the machine, and just like that, he was the owner of a bright yellow squishy ball!

Happy with his fun purchase, Mr Sato turned his attention to the machines filled with concealed products. He really wanted to buy one of these, and he figured the more expensive ones would give him the most bang for his yen. However, he found himself ten-yen short of 1,080 yen in change, and all the vending machines he tried didn’t give change, so he had to opt for a cheaper box instead.

▼ He was finally able to buy a box for 590 yen, and he stashed it away in his backpack without reading what was written on it, for a closer inspection at home.

Once he’d arrived home, Mr Sato took the box out and read the text, which looked as if it’d been typed on a computer by an unknown individual. Reading from top to bottom, right to left, it began with the heading “This Year’s Goals“, and as our reporter read further, the content blew him away, until all he could utter was a quiet “Oh. My. God.” by the end of it all.

The passage above reads:

“This Year’s Goals.
To be able to have daily English conversation.
Also, to do a long poo that’s like a poo emoji. It’s pretty difficult. I want a length of 25 centimetres so I competed with Tanaka-kun in pooping but I lost.
Tanaka-kun’s was 28 centimetres.
I got mad so in the middle of the night, I went to Tanaka’s house and pooped in the genkan entrance. I felt so much better. But…”

And on that cliffhanger, the text ended.

Given that Mr Sato had tried several different machines before being able to make a purchase, he felt as if fate had brought him and the box, or rather him and the terrifying story of a midnight revenge dump, together.

Did unseen forces know about Mr Sato’s past history of setting up a makeshift toilet at his desk so he could poop outside of the bathroom while working at the office? Did his squishy ball purchase remind the gods about that time he received a squishy poop in the shape of a poo emoji at the Poo Museum?

▼ The pink turd he received then was just as squishy as today’s yellow squishy ball.

It all seemed eerily more than just a coincidence, but perhaps that’s exactly what makes these text-wrapped products so unnerving. The random tales are sure to tweak memories of past experiences and encounters with people, making it feel as if the story was meant for you and some ghostly force is standing behind you, watching as you read every word.

Mr Sato shook off the negative energy that appeared to have wrapped itself around his body, and as he did, he unwrapped the paper to reveal what was inside. To his surprise, he found…three boxes of KitKats!

Mr Sato breathed a sigh of relief at seeing the unthreatening, friendly sight of these chocolate-coated wafer biscuits. For a minute there, he thought he might be unwrapping a very different kind of surprise.

▼ But then, upon looking at the boxes, he found that all three KitKats were past their expiry dates!

Well, it could have been worse — way worse. Mr Sato decided the KitKats were still okay to eat, given that August was only a couple of weeks ago, so he let a smile flit across his face for a moment, and that’s when he saw the back of the paper.

▼ Th-This is…a document transferring ownership rights???

This sent chills down Mr Sato’s spine and he immediately balled up the paper and threw it in the bin. While documents transferring ownership are usually used in real estate, Mr Sato wasn’t taking any chances with accidentally becoming the owner of the turd story, or worse, the owner of the karma that belonged to the revenge-taking, turd-obsessed writer that had wronged his friend Tanaka.

Mr Sato has now vowed to never visit the creepy machines on that wretched corner ever again. In hindsight, he really should’ve read all the warning signs, and probably his colleague’s own encounter at the corner, before deciding to tempt fate and dance with the devil. But then again, that wouldn’t be like Mr Sato at all, now…would it?

Vending Machine Corner information

Address: Tokyo-to, Chiyoda-ku, Kandasuda-cho 2-19-7
東京都千代田区神田須田町2-19-7

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