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Unable to learn our lesson, we blast ourselves in the crotch with cooling spray and a leaf blower

Casey Baseel Jun 19, 2022
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Don’t try this at home, or anywhere else, kids!

When last we left our intrepid reporters Mr. Sato and Ahiru Neko, they were standing in a paring lot on the rural outskirts of Tokyo. Well, technically Ahiru Neko was rolling, thanks to being the recipient of some brilliant go-kart “engineering” Mr. Sato had provided after bursting out of the bushes when his leaf blower power source proved to not quite be up to the task.

But eventually Ahiru Neko ran out of forward momentum, as after he got out of his kart, he and Mr. Sato were just two dudes standing atop a patch of asphalt getting progressively hotter under the mid-day early-summer sun.

It was at this point that Mr. Sato pulled a can of cooling body spray out of his pocket.

That might sound like an uncharacteristically normal and logical thing for the head of SoraNews24’s department of craziness to do, but it wasn’t long until he returned to the Mr. Sato we all know, love, and are also kind of scared of.

▼ “Hey man, I bet if you spray this on your crotch, then blast your crotch with a leaf blower, it’ll make you fly, don’t you think?”

▼ “No, no I don’t.”

“Ah, you’re just saying that because you don’t know how incredible this stuff is when you give yourself a little spritz inside the shorts,” said Mr. Sato. “You’re right, I don’t know what it’s like to blast myself in the junk with cooling spray, because there’s no need for me to know that sort of weird stuff,” replied Ahiru Neko.

That might sound like an airtight rebuttal, but as you probably know, Mr. Sato’s convictions tend to be the kind that thrive in an oxygen-depleted environment. “Come on, how can you say ‘I don’t need to know?’ Aint ya got any intellectual curiosity? Huh, do ya?” asked Mr. Sato, admonishing Ahiru Neko with all the eloquence befitting a man of his scholarly status.

“I’ve got plenty of intellectual curiosity. I just choose to apply it to more decent things,” Ahiru fired back, taking the high road while also conveniently forgetting the period when he, as a full-grown adult, peed himself no fewer than seven times on purpose in order to conduct an experiment.

“Look, I’m pushing the envelope in the name of science here,” Mr. Sato barked back. “Trying to see what’s on the other side of the barriers that hold us back in life! So quit your blabbering and help me out. Talking time is over, and crotch-blasting time is starting!”

▼ No one is sure what happened to is earlier ambition to gain the power of flight, but in any case it seemed like he was now trying to raise his consciousness instead.

“OK, I’ll stick around and help you…but only because I think it’d be dangerous to leave you here unsupervised,” Ahiru Neko sighed.

Now, some of you might be feeling a sense of crotch related déjà vu, or as Mr. Sato would call it, crotchà vu. That’s because this is the second time Mr. Sato has been willing to use his dangly parts as a testing ground for a pseudo-scientific experiment. The last time was back in the summer of 2016, when he roped fellow reporter P.K. Sanjun into his plot, and they learned that following an intensely comfortable initial cooling, which then gives way to an intensely painful burning as the spray comes into contact with the male body’s below-the-belt mucus membrane.

▼ In that experiment, it took only one minute for P.K. t go from pleasure to pain. By the way, you’ll notice that P.K. didn’t volunteer to help again this time around.

But Mr. Sato felt ready to try again, and he was hoping that adding a leaf blower to the mix would give him some enhanced cooling and ventilation for extra comfort.

▼ “OK, here we go!”

▼ Mr. Sato: “Gotta make sure I reach all the way done there.”
Ahiru Neko: “You’re basically a visual definition for the word ‘stupidity’ now.”

“Ah yeah, here comes the chill!” shouted Mr. Sato with glee as the cooling spray went to work on its intended purpose.

▼ “Aaaaaahhhhhhh…”

But Mr. Sato know the clock was ticking for the burning to start, so as the icy sensation began to dissipate, he called out to Ahiru Neko.

▼ “Crotch prep complete! Start it up!”

Not exactly words Ahiru Neko had wanted to hear when he got out of bed this morning, but still, he got the message.

▼ “Agggggghhhhhh!”

▼ “Waaaaaaaaa!”

▼ “Ryyyaaaaaa!”

▼ “Haaaaaaaa!”

“OK, OK, that’s enough! I’m good!” Mr. Sato announced, and Ahiru Neko shut the blower off.

It would seem that the spray hadn’t caused such a strong burning sensation this time around. Mr. Sato can’t tell if that was because the burning was partially neutralized by the increased airflow to Mr. Sato’s crotch or just because he was distracted by the gale-force groin blast, though.

“So, did you see the other side of the barriers, or whatever you were talking about?” Ahiru Neko asked, only to get a very shocking answer from Mr. Sato: “Maybe? I’m not really sure. Anyway, you’re up, so you can tell me.”

▼ “Wait, I have to do it too?”

▼ “Of course! I was just doing a trial run. The real test is all you!”

Figuring it was pointless to argue, Ahiru Neko accepted the can and started spraying.

▼ “Oh, wow, this is so cool and refreshing!”

“All right, that’s enough. Your crotch is ready,” Mr. Sato judged as he lifted up the leaf blower. “Take a steady stance, and grit your teeth!”

▼ “Here we go!”

So, it looks like if for some reason you have to spray your crotch with cooling spray, and you also have access to a leaf blower, the apparatus might make your nether regions feel a little better. Really, though, the smartest thing to do is to follow the manufacturer’s directions and avoid spraying your crotch in the first place, and avoid Mr. Sato any time you seen him with a can of the stuff in his hand.

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