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SoraNews24 formally apologizes for recent misunderstanding with crows in nearby park

Master Blaster May 29, 2023
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We eat crow and apologize to some crows.

It is important for news organizations to own up to their mistakes whether it be factual errors, unintentional slights, or insensitive behavior. This is why we would like to formally say to those two crows in the park the other day:

“We’re sorry.”

The incident in question actually just involved one of our writers, Masanuki Sunakoma, but as a very high-profile member of our team, his actions reflect on the organization as a whole.

▼ Masanuki Sunakoma

One day, while walking through a park near the office, a crow suddenly swooped down and kicked Masanuki in the back of the head. Assuming, it was an honest piloting error, Masanuki didn’t pay it much mind and continued on his way. However, only a few meters along he was stuck again – this time by two birds!

They were coordinating their assault too, with one crow hitting the back of his head and the other flying right in front of his face in a threatening manner. Realizing he was being targeted, Masanuki panicked and ran screaming back to the office.

There he consulted his boss Go Hatori, who told him that in the months from May to July, young crows hatch from their eggs and their parents become extremely protective until they leave the nest. Clearly, Masanuki had wandered too close to their nest and in doing so had brought shame to our entire organization.

Even worse, crows have excellent memories and are capable of holding grudges, so Go ordered Masanuki to go back to the park and apologize to the crows. Go also prepared a special helmet that would protect his employee’s head in the event of an attack but also bear the message, “Crows are my friends” along with a drawing of the crow, so he is not seen as a threat.

Masanuki also put on some sunglasses to protect his eyes and gloves to protect his hands. Furthermore, he put on a school uniform because it was the only thing in the office with dark colors and he read that crows feel threatened by bright colors.

And with that, he set out to make amends once and for all. Of course, these kinds of altercations during crow parenting season are common around the world, but as the world’s leading writer on the subject of low-rated goods bought on Amazon Japan, Masanuki had a reputation to consider and couldn’t be seen as anti-crow in public.

It was hardly fair since he harbored no ill will for crows and really didn’t think much about them at all. He had just gone to the park to work out on the jungle gym, having been inspired by the Hibiya Horizontal Bar Club.

Nevertheless, this was the price of fame. Masanuki girded himself at the park entrance.

He then rushed towards destiny.

There was no initial attack, but after a quick survey of the park, he heard the distinctive cawing or crows. Looking up, he saw one.

He couldn’t be sure that this was the one that attacked him. Crows tend to all look the same to him and he was too busy crying and running away to get a good look at his assailants. Still, it seemed to look at him as if it knew him.

Then, a few more caws sounded and another crow emerged. These had to be the parents whose sanctity had been sullied by Masanuki.

The birds now outnumbered our reporter and could easily expel him from the park again if they chose. However, they held back and quietly observed him, as if knowing what he was about to do.

▼ Masanuki: “Crows… It seems you and I got off on the wrong foot. The circumstances around what happened aren’t important, but I would like to admit to my failings as a human in not respecting our boundaries in this shared space.”

▼ Masanuki: “That was unacceptable, but I hope you can find it within yourselves to forgive me. And I hope that we can all move forward together and achieve a future of mutual happiness. I am sorry.”

Honestly, for all Masanuki knew, he didn’t even get close to their nest. He could have just as easily been someone who looked a lot like him that the crows were mad at. But it didn’t matter. He was ending this once and for all.

The crows remained silent for a while and it was uncertain whether they accepted his apology or not. They then cawed a few times and flew away. It wasn’t exactly the closure that he was seeking, but after the apology, he wasn’t attacked again.

Considering it as an uneasy truce, Masanuki decided to brush up on some crow defense techniques which he would like to share with you now. The simplest move when confronted by one or multiple crows is to put both arms into the air.

This is because in cases like this where the birds are simply trying to scare you away from their nest, their go-to move is to kick people in the back of the head. However, when your arms are up beside your head they’ll refrain from doing so because they’re worried their wings will get caught up in your limbs.

Other ways to protect your head include hats, putting your bag on top of your head, or an umbrella if you have one handy.

However you do it, once your head is out of harm’s way the most important thing to do is remain calm and slowly distance yourself from the crow’s nest. This can be hard to do if you don’t know where it is, but the aggression of the attacking crows can be one gauge, or if you’re in a park like Masanuki was, heading toward the exit is always a safe bet.

Hopefully in doing so, you can avoid injury and not have to beg for forgiveness from these sizable birds like we did.

Photos ©SoraNews24
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[ Read in Japanese ]