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Two men, one bodysuit, zero things that could go wrong with this experiment to keep warm, right?

Casey Baseel Dec 24, 2023
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Mr. Sato has an idea.

When last we left our intrepid reporter Mr. Sato, he was encased in a self-designed plastic tubing system, part of a ploy to overcome the winter cold by funneling hot air directly to himself from our office heater vents. Despite some early success, though, Mr. Sato had to abandon this plan, as the rest of the in-office team was unhappy about him hogging all the heating for himself.

His claim of a larger share of the heater output denied, Mr. Sato decided to shift gears and focus on another way to stay warm: maximizing the retention of his own body heat. Mr. Sato already wears a thermal undershirt and tights to the office during winter, so maybe upgrading to a single-piece, toes-to-shoulders bodysuit would be a little warmer, by nature of eliminating heat-leaking gaps around his waist and ankles.

Mr. Sato didn’t want to be just a little warmer, though, he wanted to be a lot warmer…and that’s when he got his latest bright idea.

It wasn’t an idea he could pull off by himself, though. No, he’d need the help of one other person in the office, and so he went straight to the top, asking SoraNews24 founder and owner Yoshio for assistance.

▼ Yoshio

Striding over to Yoshio’s desk, Mr. Sato held out a bodysuit and asked our boss to put it on, saying it was part of his plan to keep warm.

Yoshio didn’t really understand how his wearing the garment was going to make Mr. Sato feel warmer, but, good-natured boss that he is, he said “OK, sure,” and slipped into it. While he was doing that, Mr. Sato slipped off his own pants.

▼ Note that Mr. Sato was not wearing his lucky bag mystery underwear this day.

Then, once Yoshio had the front zipper on the bodysuit half-way up, Mr. Sato joined him inside it.

This is, of course, a perfectly sensible series of events, at least in Mr. Sato’s mind.

Remember, the whole reason wearing thermal undergarments keeps you warm is that they trap your body heat. So if one person’s body heat can keep them sort of warm, then two people’s combined body heat should be even warmer, right?

▼ It’s just simple math, right?

With some contorting and stretching of the fabric, Mr. Sato was now in up to his hips. Next, he needed to pass his arms through the sleeves, which he and Yoshio would also be sharing.

Once he’d managed that, all he needed was someone to zip them up, so he called over coworker Go Hatori.

This was no easy task, as the zipper struggled to close over the double-occupancy volume of humanity squeezed inside of it. Calling upon the physical strength he’s developed as an amateur competitive kickboxer, though, Go was eventually able to get the zipper all the way up…

…and Mr. Sato could start basking in both his own and his boss’ body heat!

It was important, though, that the two join not only their bodies inside the suit, but also their minds. The way the suit is stitched together means that the soles of the feet don’t stretch as much as the legs and sleeves, so only Yoshio was actually able to plant his feet on the floor.

Since standing was going to be tough, they coordinated their movements enough to shimmy over to a desk and take a seat.

Carefully bending their knees at the same time, Mr. Sato and Yoshio lowered themselves into the chair.

So how did they feel?

Yoshio: “This is hot.”
Mr. Sato: “Totally hot. It’s so hot I’m getting all sweaty.”

In terms of warmth, it was perfect, even warmer than Mr. Sato’s heater tunnel system. The only negative aspect he could see is that it was hard to walk, but that issue was resolved now that he was sitting down.

There was, however, a negative aspect that Mr. Sato couldn’t see, in the sense that it was outside of his range of vision: having Yoshio bound to his back looked really, really freaky.

▼ We’re not sure if Yoshio wearing sunglasses made things weirder than if he hadn’t, or just weird in a different way.

The shared bodysuit was warm enough that when break time rolled around, the pair passed on the ordinary winter office favorites of hot green tea and coffee, and instead opted for chilled tea to rehydrate.

As they sipped, Go sat down to chat, which was fortuitous, since Mr. Sato had something he’d been meaning to discuss. Go, as the head of our Japanese-language editing department, often offers Mr. Sato advice when he has a dilemma.

▼ “Yes, Mr. Sato, what can I help you with?”

▼ “Well, you see, Go, lately I’ve been wondering…am I on the right path in life? I’m no spring chicken anymore, so should I just keep doing my thing, or should I be rethinking my life and making major changes?”

▼ “Mr. Sato, how can you not already know the answer? You’ve got to keep being yourself. Given your mental capabilities, even if, after thinking long and hard, you arrived at some way you thought you could improve yourself, whatever idea you came up with would be terrible, so just stick with how you’ve been living.”

▼ “Ah, I get it now! The smart thing to do is to accept that I’m not smart enough to come up with a smart idea!”

▼ “That’s right! Hurray for Mr. Sato’s dumb ideas!”

▼ “Hurray for Mr. Sato’s dumb ideas!”

The sounds of moronic merriment, though, were interrupted by an announcement from Yoshio.

▼ “Uh, hey, Mr. Sato, I’ve gotta use the can.”

As quickly as he could (which wasn’t very quickly at all), Mr. Sato rose and started making his way to the bathroom.

After opening the door, he rotated around and backed in, so that he wouldn’t be between Yoshio and the toilet.

▼ “Hang on, boss! We’re almost there!”

▼ “Whew! Made it just in time, huh?”

▼ “OK, boss, do your thing!”

After the latest of many awkward pauses, Yoshio erupted (verbally).

▼ “’Do your thing?’ How the hell am I supposed to do that with you sitting on my lap?”

As is occasionally the case, Mr. Sato hadn’t thought his plan through entirely, as he’d failed to account for this situation. “Hurry up and get me out of this thing!” Yoshio began to shout as both his patience and sphincter drew dangerously close to their breaking points.

Scurrying and shimmying their way out of the garment, Mr. Sato’s and Yoshio’s body heat partnership was dissolved even more quickly than it had been formed, with Yoshio providing a non-verbal review of the project.

So, sadly, Mr. Sato is back to square one in his search for a way to stay warmer in the office. You might be thinking that, having acquired several photos of his boss in his underwear during the course of his experiment, he’s at least got the beginning of a profitable blackmail bundle, but alas, with partial nudity in the SoraNews24 office not being anywhere near as rare as it is in other organizations, those pics really don’t give him much leverage.

Photos ©SoraNews24
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[ Read in Japanese ]