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We find who gives the best deadpan face in inaugural ‘King of Expressionlessness’ Championship

Katie Pask Jul 25, 2022
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Who is best able to completely rid their face of any emotion whatsoever? Let’s find out!

If there’s one thing you should know about our writers, it’s that we give good face. Whether we’re overcome with overwhelming happiness or filled with frustration and sadness, our reporters know how to show their emotions clearly through their face when a camera is pointed their way.

But while we have confidence in our evocative facial expressions, could the same be said for the opposite? While our faces are full to the brim with passion and feeling, would we be able to turn it all off and show an expression completely devoid of any emotion whatsoever?

Our crack reporter Mr. Sato, a man who is no stranger at mugging the camera, was keen to find out, and so he declared to the office that he would be hosting the first ‘King of Expressionlessness‘ Championship, where competitors would battle it out to see who was the Ultimate Expressionless King.

The combatants were decided — seven men stepped up to the plate to determine who among them could make the most deadpan face. In order to truly determine the best deadpan face, the competitors would need to first make a range of extreme emotions — joy, anger and sorrow — and then finish up with their best straight-faced expression.

Mr. Sato himself was the first person to step up to the face-off, and started off the battle with a strong expression of joy.

▼ Joy (Mr. Sato ver.)

▼ Anger (Mr. Sato ver.)

▼ Sorrow (Mr. Sato ver.)

And then, what we’ve all been waiting for…

▼ Nothingness (Mr. Sato ver.)

So what do the judges think of Mr. Sato’s effort? Well, the judge of the competition just so happens to be Mr. Sato himself, but worry not; he is a fair and impartial referee, and judged himself thus —

“I would say that I am very expressive, but it is clear that I’m just making facial expressions by distorting my face. My eyebrows and jaw have an impressive range of movement, but I’m lacking any emotional depth when it comes to expression.”

So Mr. Sato, as the only participant so far, takes an early lead, but next to the battleground is the current favourite to win the Expressionless King Championship, Ahiruneko. Let’s check out his attempts as follows:

▼ Joy (Ahiruneko ver.)

▼ Anger (Ahiruneko ver.)

▼ Sorrow (Ahiruneko ver.)

▼ Nothingness (Ahiruneko ver.)

We’re certainly impressed with Ahiruneko’s range of expressions, but what does Mr. Sato have to say about them?

“As expected of the favourite to win, Ahiruneko’s ‘joy’ and ‘anger’ are sublime. His facial skills have improved greatly over the past few years, and we can see that here. His ‘sorrow’ really lets him down, though, as there doesn’t appear to be any sadness on display whatsoever.

However, his ‘nothingness’ is simply incredible. It’s like he is showing us the emptiness of his soul through his face. Superb!”

Who’s going to follow that excellent performance? Why, it’s none other than Go Hatori. Go previously declared that he was our number one host, but how will such a talent translate into the word of deadpan faces? Let’s find out!

▼ Joy (Go Hatori ver.)

▼ Anger (Go Hatori ver.)

▼ Sorrow (Go Hatori ver.)

▼ Nothingness (Go Hatori ver.)

An impressive selection of faces, but what do the judges think? Mr. Sato, please!

“Go Hatori is another strong competitor, and one of the best facial performers here at SoraNews24. His first expression, ‘Joy’, is a sudden and unexpected burst of emotion. He followed up well with ‘Anger’, and you can really see power in the space between his eyebrows. ‘Sorrow’ is another powerful play, and he looks as if he is about to burst into tears. Finishing off with ‘Nothingness’, he completely breaks free from the mortal realm and transcends into absolute nothingness.

He performed well across all expressions. This is a presentation I expect will score very highly.”

Go has certainly done well here, but there are still four other competitors ready to take the stage. Let’s go now to our next competitor, Masanuki Sunakoma.

▼ Joy (Masanuki Sunakoma ver.)

▼ Anger (Masanuki Sunakoma ver.)

▼ Sorrow (Masanuki Sunakoma ver.)

▼ Nothingness (Masanuki Sunakoma ver.)

Masanuki is a man who clearly likes to express his emotions by showing us his chompers, but what will Mr. Sato make of this spirited performance?

“Masanuki’s performance here is the kind of performance where emotions no longer come into play, and he just throws everything he has into making powerful expressions. His performance is quite energetic, but it’s hard to tell whether he is angry or sad. As a side note, Masanuki wasn’t able to stay very still when making these expressions, so it was difficult to take clear pictures…”

Up next is P.K. Sanjun.

▼ Joy (P.K. Sanjun ver.)

▼ Anger (P.K. Sanjun ver.)

▼ Sorrow (P.K. Sanjun ver.)

▼ Nothingness (P.K. Sanjun ver.)

As expected of a man who experiences a rollercoaster of emotions on a daily basis, P.K. Sanjun performed decently here. Mr. Sato, your comments please.

“P.K. Sanjun is a man who usually expresses his emotions well. He’s the type of person who can handle anything life throws at him without a hitch, but a deadpan face is his absolute weak point. He is a man that will instantly break into a smile the second a camera is pointed in his direction, but for this challenge he was able to overcome his weakness and refrain from smiling. His ‘Sorrow’ performance was also a little weak, but he gave it a good go.”

Up next is Seiji Nakazawa, our resident anime expert. Will his time spent watching anime translate into how expressive his face is?

▼ Joy (Seiji Nakazawa ver.)

▼ Anger (Seiji Nakazawa ver.)

▼ Sorrow (Seiji Nakazawa ver.)

▼ Nothingness (Seiji Nakazawa ver.)

Seiji’s recently been rocking a fresh beard and moustache combination, but did that affect his performance in anyway? It’s over to Mr. Sato for some comments.

“Seiji was quick to burst into his signature smile for ‘Joy’, but following it up with ‘Anger’ and “Sorrow’, Seiji’s expressions were surprisingly calm. On the other hand, in his finishing move of ‘Nothingness’, his eyes were filled with an energy none of the other competitors had. Seiji ended up with a quite lively version of ‘Nothingness’.”

Our last competitor to enter the ring was Takashi Harada. How will he compare with the previous competitors?

▼ Joy (Takashi Harada ver.)

▼ Anger (Takashi Harada ver.)

▼ Sorrow (Takashi Harada ver.)

▼ Nothingness (Takashi Harada ver.)

While Takashi is not particularly known for his vivid facial expressions, he seems to have performed very well here. What will Mr. Sato make of such a performance?

“A lot of people don’t know this but Takashi is actually quite an expressive person. The personalities of our other writers are so strong that often Takashi doesn’t stand out too much, but he has a great range of facial expressions. Unfortunately, his bangs were so long that we weren’t able to see his full potential. Also, he appears to have lost weight.”

With that devastating blow for Takashi (or a reminder to go and trim his bangs), the competition was officially over, and it was time to tally up the scores. While each participant displayed a varied range of expressions, the aim of the game was to be the person who completely rid their face of any expression whatsoever, so let’s take a look at their ‘Nothingness’ deadpan expressions one last time —

▼ Looking at the line-up like this, Mr. Sato couldn’t help but imagine he was looking at the mugshots of a fraud ring

After careful deliberation, Mr. Sato had found his winner. So without further ado, the King of Expressionlessness, the man who displayed absolutely no emotion on his face whatsoever, is…

…

▼ Ahiruneko!

The favourite from the start, Ahiruneko’s complete lack of expression was the very definition of emptiness. It seemed as if his very soul had left his body, and his eyes showed such a deep, rich nothingness that it felt like Mr. Sato was looking into the void. Well done, Ahiruneko!

So Ahiruneko takes the championship title for 2022, but who knows what will happen in next year’s competition? Will Ahiruneko be able to hold on to his title? Will another competitor swoop in and take the victory? Stay tuned!

But just when everyone was starting to get back to work, Mr. Sato suddenly declared another championship battle had started. This competition would act as the polar opposite to the ‘King of Expressionlessness’ championship — this time, the team would battle it out to see who could cram as much emotion into their face as possible.

But not just any old emotion — this time, Mr. Sato was to find out who was the King of Ecstasy.

The same seven men would once more compete, but this time with an added bonus competitor of our boss Yoshio, who was unable to compete in the previous tournament due to a sudden and unexplained toe cramp.

So without further ado, let’s check out their ecstatic expressions! We didn’t ask them to think about anything in particular to conjure up these faces, but we can only imagine it was something evocative.

▼ Ecstasy (Mr. Sato ver.)

▼ Ecstasy (Ahiruneko ver.)

▼ Ecstasy (Go Hatori ver.)

▼ Ecstasy (Masanuki Sunakoma ver.)

▼ Ecstasy (P.K. Sanjun ver.)

▼ Ecstasy (Seiji Nakazawa ver.)

▼ Ecstasy (Takashi Harada ver.)

▼ Ecstasy (Yoshio ver.)

Mr. Sato didn’t take long to deliberate here, and immediately declared Yoshio the winner. Although, we’ve gotta say, Takashi’s facial expression is one we won’t be forgetting anytime soon.

Images © SoraNews24
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